santa bante one liner
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything. | Jeeto: I don't think that is going to help. Santa: Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers? | |
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water? | Pappu: (Luking down) No... Santa: Don't look down. Look at me. | |
Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason. | Haye haye main to 1100 lungi. Dusri Boli main to 2100 lungi. Peeche se Santa bola Abey 2310 le lo usme FM bhi hai!!! | |
Santa: I’m in a hurry doc, can I leave my underwear! | Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!! | |
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha! Jailor: Kyon has rahe ho? Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hoon! | Boss SMS back: When I am sick I kiss my wife try it. Two hours later Santa sms 2 boss: Me ok, ur wife very sweet. | |
Sardar bola: Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega. | Santa: The Tablets are walking in the market. | |
santa banta jokes collection
Pappu: Miss kendi aey es class wich ik saal hor laggay ga? Santa: Saal pavain 2,3 lag jawan par fail na hovin mera puttar. | Lucky: Yaar mujhey kuch nahi aata tha main paper khali chor aya hon. Banta: Main bhi! Santa: Shit yaar, teacher samjhe gi hum ne cheating ki hay. |
Santa: Sorry, par tumhe kaise pata chala? Jeeto: Kal Banta aya tha usne tumhara Underwear pahena hua tha. | Preeto: I clean the toilet. Banta: How does that help? Preeto: I use ur toothbrush. |
Santa: Yes, I do.That's why it's called heaven! | Because the bank's slogan was: We make your dreams come true... |
Santa: Zyada kuch nahi, do char ghar aur pakad lene chahiye. | The Name of the the College was: WOMEN`S COLLEGE FOR BOYS |
Santa: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Pappu: No. | Jeeto: Ek dum. Santa: To apni dusri tang bhi mujh per rakh do. |
Santa raat ko phone pay: Khanay mein kia hai? Jeeto: Zehar. Husb: Main dair se aaonga, tum kha kar so jana. | O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first. |
santa wife b day
He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to Jeetoo on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
Jeeto was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when Santa came home, kissed her and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, where'd you get them?"
dead men don't bleed.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince Banta that he is still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show Banta that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, Banta seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," Banta replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" Banta exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"
santa bitten by snake
"I'll go into town for a doctor," Banta says.
He runs 10 miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is busy delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little 'x' where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
Banta runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" Santa asks.
"He says you're gonna die."
santa banta married life
Santa said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
Banta asked, "Can you explain?"
Santa said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, Banta asked, "Give me some examples" Santa said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
Banta asked, "Then what is your role?"
Santa said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".
bank detail
A girl proposed a boy but the boy does not respond to her. After many days suddenly the boy called the girl and asks to meet him as he like her very much.
The girl became confused and asked the boy, “What Happened ? After so many days you accepted my proposal.”
The boy replied, “Today your father came to our bank and opened a new account, so I did not delay!!
speech of new girl
A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner.
She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:
“My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family”, she said “Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don’t want you all to change your way of life, your routine.”
“What do you mean my child?” asked the patriarch of the family.
What I mean dad is:
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn’t stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.
As for me, I am here just to control your son!
dump kid
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
brotherly love
Teacher asked to a student, “If you see a man beating his donkey and you go to stop him, what virtue would you be showing?”
The student replied, “Brotherly Love.”
bad conductor
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it’s Texas he’s sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he’s sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
shadi nahi kar sakta
Boyfriend to Girlfriend: Darling main tumse shaadi nahi kar sakta gharwale mana karrahe hai.
Girlfriend: Tumhare ghar mein kaun kaun hai?
Boyfriend: Ek biwi aur 3 bacche…
Funny Furneal
A family was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US . It was sent by one of the daughters.
The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it when they opened the lid they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Smitaben and Varsha,
I am sending mothers body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home.
Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under her body, cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler chocolates and 8 packets of Badam (peanuts) please divide these among all of you.
On her feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha’s and Lakshmi’s sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
She(dead mother) is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large size is for Mohan.
Just distribute the rest among yourselves.
The 2 new Jeans that she is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on her left wrist.
Shanta masi, she is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.
The 6 white cotton socks she is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these fairly.
PS : If anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also not feeling too well now a days..
bagho
Ek chota baccha bahut der se ghar ke bahar khada darwaje ki ghanti bajane ki kosish kar raha tha.Toh ek budha aadmi aaya aur kaha:
Budha aadmi: Kya kar rahe ho beta?
Baccha: Uncle, yeh ghanti bajana chahta hoon.
Budha aadmi (ghanti bajake): Yeh lo bajgaya, ab kya hai?
Baccha: Ab bhago!
singl sardar
Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says “Johny Walker single”.
Man on his left says “Peter Scotch single”.
Sardar says - “Baljith Singh Married”
humpty dumpty
Original
Humphty Dumphty sat on a wall,
Humphty Dumphty had a great fall,
All the kings’ horses, all the kings’ men
Couldn’t put Humphty Dumphty
together again
Baba Karnail Singh baitha si Dukaan te’
Baba Karnail Singh diggya dhadam se, Pind de log phir
aa ke kehan lagge,
Baba Karnail Singh te gaya hun kaam se.
black tie only
A Sardar received an invitation, to a party
which said “Black Tie Only”!!
When he went to the party he was surprised to
find the other invitees wearing trousers and shirts
as well !!!!
santa banta
While visiting Santa’s house, Banta noticed that he had replaced his usual TV with a smaller model.
Thinking that perhaps the larger set has broken down, Banta asked why the small one was there.
“Oh,” Santa replied, “I have decided to watch less T.V.”
santa banta
Ek sardar doosre se keh raha hai ke “Maine machcharo ko ullu banaya !”
Second Sardar: “Kaise?“
First says: Maine mosquito coil mere bajuke room mein lagaya aur main apne room mein soya. ha ha ha ha…..
figure of a female
In an elephant’s school, some loafer elephants were hanging around in the canteen. A sexy female elephant passes by the canteen.
Then one of the elephants says: “Look yaar, 3600 - 2400 - 3600!!”
incom tax
Income tax officer gave tips to a young lady, “You should pay your income tax with smile.”
The lady replied, “I have tried it thrice, but every time they insist on cash or cheque.”
Airllin nw buisness plan
In light of all the recent news surrounding airline bankruptcies and mergers, you might want to heed these warning signs…
10. They hedged their fuel by buying $500 in Sam’s Club Fuel Cards.
9. The new sign in the terminal reads “BYOB” Bring Your Own Blankets.
8. The Flight Attendant asks if she can borrow your iPod touch to plug in to the video unit so they can have an in flight movie.
7. You look into the cockpit and noticed that the pilots are those blow up dummies from the movie “Airplane”.
6. There are Google Ads running on the back of all the seats.
5. Last 5 People Off the Plane Have to Clean Up.
4. In order to pay for extra fuel the dreaded “$1 for every pound you’re over 200 pounds” tax has been added to all tickets
3. All flights now will offer in air casinos.
2. The stock’s price on the screen says “Close to Zero”.
1. Good News…free drinks. Bad News……$5 for toilets!
BOSS
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. “Your wife called, She wants her sign back!”
GIFTS
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes.”
The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:
“Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”
“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!”
MUJHSA SHADI KAROGI
Santa proposing a girl: Darling kya tum mujse shadi karogi?
Girl: Tameez se baat karo.
Santa: Behan ji, kya aap mujhse shaadi karogi?
2009 LATEST SHOR JOKES
Boss : Where were you born ?
sardar : Punjab.
Boss : which part ?
sardar : Kya which part ? Whole body born in punjab.
2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1 : What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
sardar 2 : Dont worry, I have a one more.
Sardar : What is the name of your car ?
Lady : I forgot the name, but is starts with “T”.
Sardar : Oye Kamaal ki gaadi hai, Tea se start hoti hai. Hamaara gaadi
petrol se start hoti hai.
Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why
are you removing a wheel from your auto.
sardar : Cant you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.
Sardar got into a bus on 1st April when conductor asked for ticket. He
gave
Rs.10/- and took the ticket and said April fool. I have pass.
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the
computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
On a romantic day sardar’s girlfriend asks him. Darling on our
engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
Doctor to patient : You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any
one before you die?
Patient : Yes. A good doctor.
How will you destroy a submarine full of sardars ?
Simple. Just knock the door and they will open it….
Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto,
Banta asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto?
Santa: Can’t u read ‘Parking for two wheelers only’
Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from
NASA to SATYANASA
Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I’m falling in love.
Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents
Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue u’ve broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ….
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…
Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got
irritated…
drank poison & said,
Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all
India
Radio!
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu’s skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu’s skeleton when he was child
_________________
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate
Santa was busy in removing a wheel from auto,
Banta asks: Y r u removing a wheel from ur auto?
Santa: Can’t u read ‘Parking for two wheelers only’
Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from
NASA to SATYANASA
Santa apni girl friend ko I Luv U kehta hai aur gir jata hai.
Gal: Yeh kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: I’m falling in love.
Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents
Museum Administrator: That’s a 500-year-old statue u’ve broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Santa: Control yourself. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. ….
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…
Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got
irritated…
drank poison & said,
Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!
Banta: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is all
India
Radio!
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Santa: Tipu’s skeleton.
Tourist: Whose that smaller skeleton next to it?
Santa: That was Tipu’s skeleton when he was child
EK EK
Santa- Kal Mujhe 10 logo ne Peeta.
Banta- phir tumne kya kiya?
Santa- Maine unse kaha salo ek ek karke Aayo, Phir batata hu!
Banta- Phir?
Santa- Phir kya
Salo ne ek ek karke dubara Peeta.
HARD DISK
Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their m/cs to another building. Banta was having a tough time carrying his machine.
Santa : “My m/c has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Can’t you carry even this much?”
Banta : “But yours is empty and my disk is full”!!!
TEST
Once a husband put some urine in a bottle to take to doctor as doctor has given his urine test. But he forgot to take the bottle and left for office. By this time wife saw the bottle and she thought may be some water in the bottle she washed and keep it.
After sometimes husband telephoned her that I forgot to bring the bottle of urine, so I am right now coming home to take the bottle.
Pregnant wife afraid and to avoid scolding she has taken her urine in the same bottle and keep it for his husband. When the man take the bottle to the doctor after urine test doctor told that “You are pregnant”.
The husband came to home and told to wife “I told you not to come top, now doctor is telling that “I am pregnent”.
Lawyers
A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil’s hands. “You will be spending eternity here, but I’ll let you pick your own room from three I’ll show you,” the devil said.
In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. “I don’t like that,” said the man. “Show me the second.”
In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. “Well, that’s better than brick,” the man said, “but show me the third.”
In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.
“I’ll choose this room,” he said.
Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.
Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, “OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads.”
MARGIN FREE
SANTA : “When you buy a note book there will be no margin in it. Why is it so?”
BANTA : “Simple, it is because I always buy the note book from a Margin-Free Market!!”
2009 ;ATEST JOKES
If time doesn’t wait for you, don’t worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a gud person is like
expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian. Think about it.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Don’t walk as if you rule the world,
walk as if you don’t care who rules the world!
That’s called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did !!!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He’s now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles !
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging,
jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow & sure!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
All desirable things in life are either
illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahathma Gandhi
Ab aap bataaye kiski sune bapu di ya chacha di???
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
When things go wrong, when sadness fills your heart,
when tears flows from your eyes always say these words…
Eh Ganpat, chal daru la…
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
Piyo Sar Utha Ke!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— ———
Chandni raat thi,
nadi ka kinara tha,
asmaan me taro ka nazara tha,
Bihari premi ne pyar se muskarate hue Biharan premika se kaha: Ae Susma, Bidi Piyegi ?
PAPU PASS HO GAYA
TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
PAPPU : “HIJKLMNO ! “!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
PAPPU : Yesterday you said it’s H to O !
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
PAPPU : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : PAPPU!
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell “crocodile”?
PAPPU : “K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L”
TEACHER : No, that’s wrong
PAPPU : Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
PAPPU : I is…
TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, “I am.”
PAPPU : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
************ *****
TEACHER : “Can anybody give an example of ” COINCIDENCE?”
PAPPU : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time.”
************ *****
TEACHER : “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
PAPPU : “Because George still had the axe in his hand?”
************ *****
PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
************ *****
TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
PAPPU: Yes it’s really strange. I’ve got another pair just like that at home.
************ *****
TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
PAPPU: No sir, I don’t have to , my mom is a good cook.
************ *****
TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as yourbrother’s. Did you copy his ?
PAPPU: No, teacher, it’s the same dog !
************ ****
TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PAPPU: A teacher
LATEST SHOLAY
Jay : Mausi, ladka ATOS mein kaam karta hai..
Mausi : Hai ram..!!! Aur kahin try kar raha hai kya??
Jay : kahan mausi 2 saal TCS me rahne ke baad koi Company leti kahan hai…
Mausi : Hi Raam to kya 2 saal se TCS mein hi hai..
Jay : haan socha tha 2 saal me salary hike hogi hi. Aajkal to salary bhi jyada NAHI mil rahi hai use..
Mausi : To kya salary BHI KAM milti HAI..?
Jay : Ab appraisal bhi to asaani se kahaan hota hai mausi..
Mausi : Hai hai …!! To kya appraisal bhi nahi hota uska..?
Jay : Senior se ladhai karne ke baad appraisal mein achhi rating to nahin milti hai… Mausi..
Mausi : To kya seniors se ladhta bhi hai..?
Jay : Ab 2 saal tak onsite Jane ko na mile to ho jaati hai kabhi kabhi anban..
Mausi : To kya AB tak ek baar bhi onsite nahi gaya ..???
Jay : Ab Outdated technology ke developer ki kismat mein to yehi likha hai mausi..
Mausi : kya kaha ladka Outdated technology mein kaam karata hai..!!!
Mausi : Kaunse college se padhai ki hai..?
Jay : Uska pataa lagte hi hum aapko khabar kar de denge!!
Jay : To main rishta pakka samjhuna mausi???
Mausi : Beta, kan khol kar sun Le…Sagi mausi hoon basanti ki koi sauteli maa nahi Bhale hi hamaari Basanti Call Center wale Chandu se shaadi kar Le par TCS ke employee se katai nahin karegi .
FILMY
When I am: Kareeb
There is only: Khamoshi
I want to speak: Dil Se
That’s my kind of: Ishq
I want this to be: Gupt
As I always have: Darr
That I will loose you: Sajani
And that would be great: Sadma
I am your: Mr.Aashique
But sometimes bit: Deewana
Tell me: Hum Aapke Hain Kaun
As I feel : Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
In this : Duniya Dilwalon Ki
I told you: Maine Pyar Kiya
May be : Dil To Pagal Hai
Because: Jab Pyar Kisise Hota Hai
The whole world appears as: Dushman
But anyway: Pyar To Hona Hi Tha
SANTA
Boss : I’M giving u job as a driver, starting salary Rs. 2000/- is it o.k. for U.
Santa: you r great sir ! starting salary is O.K. but how much is my driving salary ?
Interview : wt is ur qualification ?
santa: sir I’m Ph.d.
Interviewer : wt do u mean by Ph.d.
santa: (smiling)Passed High School with Difficulty.
Interviewer : just imagine ur in the 3rd floor, it caught fire & how will u escape ?
santa : it’s simple sir I will stop my imagination?
Santa kissed his girl friend in the park,
Girl: plz ye sab shadi se pehle…..
santa: don’t worry darling, I’M already married.
Sardar proposed a Girl; Girl said I’m 1 year elder than you
Sardar oye balle balle no problem soniye, I’ll marry you next year.
American : In our Country marriage takes place even with E-mail.
Santa: hey bai In india it is only with female.
Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying..
when a person asked what he was doing he said oye.. higher studies yaar….
A : u r Active
B: u r Best
C: u r Cute
D: u r Dynamic
E: u r Excellent
F : u r always First.
G : u r Great
SORRY CAN’T LIE TILL Z……
INTERVIEW
People come up with peculiar or funny answers in interviews or exams:
Interviewer: Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current in A.C. as
compared to D.C. ?
Candidate: An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid) and requires more
space inside the wire, so the wire has to be thicker.
Interviewer: How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC ?
Candidate: I will put my finger in. If it is pushed away, it is DC. If it gets stuck, it
was AC.
Interviewer: How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate: I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor around, and put
back the bolts.
Interviewer: How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate: Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in rising pitch)
Interviewer: Stop! Stop!
Candidate: rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (in falling pitch)
Interviewer: How do you limit surge current within an integrated circuit?
Candidate: By using a miniature circuit breaker.
External (to student) : ” Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC to pass through
?
Student: See, a capacitor is like this —| |— , OK. DC Comes straight, like this —–
—–, and the capacitor stops it. But AC,goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right
over the capacitor!”
Examiner : “What is a step-up transformer?”
Student : “A transformer that is put on top of electric poles.”
Examiner (smiling): “And then what is a step-down transformer?”
Student (hesitantly):”Uh - A transfomer that is put in the basement or in a pit?”
Examiner (pouncing): “Then what do you call a transformer that is installed on the
ground?”
(student knows he is caught — can’t answer)
Examiner (impatiently): “Well?”
Student (triumphantly): “A stepless transformer, sir!”
SOM FUNNY LAWS
Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
2009 SHORT JOKES COLLECTION
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
———— - ——– ——— ——— ——— –
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women
and then he turns them into Wives.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish.
——– —- ——— ——— ——— ——— –
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It’s called marriage.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Girlfriends r like chocolates,
taste good anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like leftovers, eaten when there’s no choice.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don’t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would
go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you
continue to do so for the rest of your life!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –
Here comes the Ultimate One
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man, The Master of Women’?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
long LIFE FORMULA
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
ur FUTUR
Write Ur name & Ur lover’s name.
And send it to . .
.
.
.
Ur father’s phone. He will tell Ur future.
My 21ST CENTURIES QUOTES
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.
Born free, taxed to death.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.
A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers
The cigarette does the smoking, you are just the sucker.
Someday is not a day of the week
MY LOVE SMS COLLECTION
kuchh beete hue lamho se mulakat hui
kuchh tute hue sapno se baat hui
yaad jo karne baithe un tamam yaado ko
to aapki hi yaado se shuruat hui
UNHE KISSA-E-GAM SUNATE SUNATE
KATI RAATEIN AANSU BAHATE BAHATE
KAHI BUJH NA JAYE CHIRAAG-E-TAMANNA
CHIRAAG-E-MOHABBAT JALAATE JALAATE
KISSI KO KHABAR HI NAHI LUT GAYAA HU
MOHABBAT KI DUNIYA BASATE BASAATE
KEHDE KOI UNSE…..
WO KHUD BAAZ AAYE APNE SITAM SE
HUM THAK GAYE HAIN MANATE MANATE.
Jo hukum karta hai woh iltejaa bhi karta hai…
Yeh Aasman bhi jaake kahin pe jhukta hai’
Tu agar bewafa hai to yeh buri khabar bhi sun le..
Mera intezaar koi aur bhi kartaa hai…
Pyar kisi se jo karoge ruswai hi milegi…Wafa kar lo chahe jitni Bewafai hi milegi…
Jitna marzi kisi ko apna bana lo,
Jab ankh khulegi… Tanhai hi milegi !
Dariya wafaoo ka kabi rukta nahi,
Mohabat me insaan kabhi jukta nahi,
Hum chup hai kisi ki khushi ke liye,
aur wo sochte hai dil hamara dukhta nahi.
Apno ne Zehar ka jaam de diya,
Gairon ne Bewafa naam de diya.
Wo jo kehte they bhul na jana hume,
Aaj unhone hi bhari MEHFIL me ANJAAN keh diya hain….
Bahut tamanna thi, pyar mein aashiyan banane ki,
Bana chuke to lag gayi Nazar zammane ki.
Usi ka karz hai, jo aaj hai aankhon mein aansoo,
Saza mili hai humein muskurane ki !
Hum ne jab kiya dard-e-dil ko baya, to sher ban gaya,
Logo ne suna wah wah kiya, dard aur badh gaya.
Mohobbat ki paak rooh mere shero me hai,
Ek likha gam kam karne ke liye to gam aur badh gaya.
“Zindagi Sirf Mohabbat Nahin Kuch Aur Bhi Hai
Zulf-o-Rukhsaar ki Jannat Nahi Kuch Aur Bhi Hai
Bhookh Aur Pyaas ki Maari Hui Is Duniya Mein
Ishq Ek Haqeeqat Nahin Kuch Aur Bhi Hai.”
arz KIYA HA
Arz kiya hai:
I am a dog and u r a flower,
gaur farmaiega
I am a dog and u r a flower,
so let me lift my leg n give u a shower!
CATCH A SQUIREL
Climb up a tree and just be yourself.
Squirrels will come to you on their own.
Because they just love NUTS .
apka HATH
Aapke haath me mobile hai..
Chehere pe khubh smile hai…
SMS ki achchi khasi File hai…
Phir bhi SMS nahi karte…
yaar, yeh kaun sa stupid style hai??
god MADE
God made entertainment n called it FUN.
God made nightlight n called it the MOON.
God made U n called CARTOON.
SARKAR BADAL JAYA
Baate kare hum sang sang to mausam badal jaye
Itne dilkash he hum sab ke andaz,
Ki chalenge saath saath to sarkar badal jaye
MY DICITIONARY
CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!
MARRIAGE:
It’s an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master
DIVORCE:
Future Tense
of Marriage
LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either
CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present
COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece
TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!
DICTIONARY:
A place where divorce comes
before marriage
CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on
ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before
CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read
SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!
OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life
YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth
ETC:
A sign
to make others believe
that you know
more than
you actually do
COMMITTEE:
Individuals
who can do
nothing individually
and sit to decide
that nothing can be done
together
EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes
ATOM BOMB:
An invention
to bring an end
to all
inventions
PHILOSOPHER:
A fool
who torments himself
during life,
to be spoken of
when dead
DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip
OPPORTUNIST:
A person
who starts taking bath
if he
accidentally falls
into a river
OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
“SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!”
PESSIMIST:
A person
who says that
O is the last letter
in ZERO,
Instead of the first letter
in OPPORTUNITY
MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!
FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature
CRIMINAL:
A guy
no different
from the other,
unless he gets caught
BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early
POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later
DOCTOR:
A person
who kills
your ills
by pills,
and kills you
Mummy returns
….If Jayalalita Wins
in the Next Election
and Becomes the
CM again,
What would the
Public say.?
?
?
“The Mummy Returns”
HIDE AND SEEK
Hide-and-Seek Champion
A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said this could be somebody really important.
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
hey called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know who it was?"
The police said, "It's somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Most Famous man
Most Famous Man
One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.
Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20."
As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"
Beautiful models
Beautiful Models
Santa and Banta were looking at a catalog and admiring the models.
Santa says to the Banta, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"
Banta replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"
Santa says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."
Banta smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."
Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?"
Santa replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"
finest BAt
Finest Bat
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!
So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.
Dracula says, "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family."
"Very good" said Dracula.
The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, "How did you do that?"
The bat replies, "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children."
"Impressive" said Dracula.
Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.
"How on earth did you do that????" he asked.
And the bat replies, "Do you see this tower?"
Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, "Well, I didn't."
